Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
