I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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