Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
