Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
