I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
All the doctor said was why
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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