I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
