Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I just found puke in my bra..
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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