If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
