i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Randomize
