i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
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