your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
