I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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