Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
