I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
