Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
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