I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
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