I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
