yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
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