I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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