I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
