he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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