a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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