i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Randomize
