Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
