No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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