I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
