we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
