i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
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