I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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