Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
