It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
