Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Randomize
