i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
