he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
