I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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