i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
17 year olds will be the death of me.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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