I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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