I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
