A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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