Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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