if you like me you must not know who I am
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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