i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
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