We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Randomize
