I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
