Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Randomize
