If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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