How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
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