she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
