I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
