Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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