Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
